August seeing the launch of the brand new #acorn IRC web pages, courtesy of myself, Kozzey and our able IRC expert Simon Kiff. The pages where previously maintained by #acorn IRC regular, Zorack, who's own irc pages have been recently removed from the web. Both Simon and myself hope that these new and improved pages prove interesting and useful to all those who visit our channel. We'd like to encourage everyone to send in any news you think worthy of mention in this section. Any gossip, programming projects you're working on, travel plans to meet up with channel members, announcement of your latest online affairs, great discoveries you've made or any other bad or good news you have to share with everyone, we want it all!
If you're wondering why these news pages are called The Gardening Club, then you obviously haven't spoken to our American friend, Avey, who inspired me to call these pages The Gardening Club after reading something off her homepages.
The time is drawing near for that biblical time of year. The time of year when all of Acorn World is worshipped under one roof and when Pete The Peterster Bondy-Wondy attains godly status for three whole days with his fancy VLSI toaster, with a bit of help from DEC :-)
What this all means for all IRC goers is that we must meet up at the up and coming Acorn World show. The show will be held in Olympia this year which is in Central London. Olympia facilitates a whole range of catering ranging from cafe's to restaurants. We'll need to decide where to meet. Will it be at one of the restaurants inside the venue or near a stand? We need some feedback on this so click here and tell us what you think.
IRC users waiting for the feedback page to go live can now access the page and submit their feedback forms. Please use this form to tell about what you think of this website. We'd like to hear any good or bad comments about the website and suggestions about what you'd like to see added or changed.
The Acorn IRC mailing list is up and running now thanks to our resident techie, doormouse. To subscribe to the mailing list send an email to Maiser@barnet.ac.uk with the body of the message reading SUBSCRIBE ircacorn. To mail to the list, send messages to IRCAcorn@barnet.ac.uk. This mailing list is for everyone who visits the Acorn IRC channel.
The new Acorn Centre of Technology pages are now open for viewing. They list all the official centres of technology as elected by Clan Acorn members.
Chocky, a #acorn regular is planning to visit the channel's raunchiest, most twisted,completely mad gal, Fresco, in early November (he hopes), though he says that it's just a ploy to lure TJ to his heart ;-) hehehe.... For those not in the know, our friend Chocky is a Kiwi, not todistant from our fave nutter Fresco who is an Upside Down Person.
I was feeling bored this eveing, so I came up with this ditty ..... Kozzey
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled: "What the hellis a 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer: "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "Butt the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
... 15 Minuets Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F."
Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
Riker: "Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer t compensate for increase CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pacl'."
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solutions rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"
Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"
Riker and Picard together horrified: "LAWYERS!!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are convering it with pieces of paper."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' -- it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Helen Rayner
